If you’re going through a divorce or nasty break up with the father of your kids, things are about to get rough.
Getting divorced is a hard thing to do. But sometimes it’s necessary. After all, you’re meant to have a good life and be happy. At times parting ways is the only solution – especially if you’ve been in an abusive relationship.
I’m now in a place where I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I have a good relationship with my ex-husband and my kids are extremely happy, but it hasn’t always been this way.
I 100% believe that if I had not gotten a divorce I’d still be deeply depressed which would’ve had a huge negative impact on my kids.
However, the transition from having a partner to being completely on your own should not be underestimated. It’s hard. The good news is that with time, it gets easier.
Here are the top seven problems you’ll face as a new single mother. Beware.
# 1) Dealing with Crazy Emotions
The emotions are the worst. Self-doubt. Loneliness. Depression.
At first everything is crazy. You’re not sure whether you made the right decision or not. “Is this the best thing for my kids?” That’s what ran in my head over and over.
When you get in a depressed state it’s easy for you to doubt your decisions. But you obviously made these decisions for a reason. Don’t think of only the good times you had with your ex – think of the overall picture of your relationship.
(You can read about the depression I went through during my first year as a single mom.)
It’s crucial to have a good support team for the first several months.
# 2) A Lack of Support
If you don’t have a support team things are going to be a lot harder.
I was very grateful that I had my Dad, his girlfriend, and my little brother. To be honest I’m especially grateful I had my youngest brother to help.
My brother and I hung out every weekend that the girls went to their Dads and I couldn’t have been more grateful. He also helped me with the girls and accompanied us to the grocery store or wherever else we had to go.
I don’t know if I’d been able to stay strong without him. (I need to tell him this, huh?)
If you don’t have that support team behind you things are going to get hard. I know many people are against divorce and may not understand and support your decision.
If this is the case you need to seek support elsewhere. Join a single mom forum, find a friend online, email me – just find someone you can talk to.
# 3) Not Making Ends Meet
Running low in the finance department is a common theme for single mothers. Heck, when I got divorced I was working two day jobs and trying to build an online business.
I was tired. I was cranky. But at the time there was no other way.
I knew I needed to build an emergency fund and find a place for my kids and me to stay.
I worked two jobs while saving as much of my extra money as possible and then bought a trailer.
You need to be proactive in 1) making extra money and 2) keeping your expenses as low as possible. Save every single penny you can.
And if you really can’t make ends meet go apply for government assistance. There’s no shame in it and don’t let anyone else make you feel otherwise. Do what you gotta do. Period.
# 4) Not Receiving Child Support
While I have no personal experience with this (I didn’t ask for child support because ex and I made close to the same amount of money) I know many woman who are supposed to receive child support but don’t.
My advice is to plan your budget without even thinking about getting child support. You shouldn’t be depending on an income source that may or may not come. You’ll only set yourself up for failure.
**I’m not saying don’t apply for child support. I’m just implying that you shouldn’t depend on it if you know that the father of your kids is unreliable.
# 5) Dealing with a Deadbeat Dad
If you’re not receiving the child support you’re supposed to get my guess is you’re dealing with a dead beat dad. I sympathize for you because I know too many of this type.
If the father of your kids is not stepping up to the plate, stop depending on him. Of course, your kids need to spend time with their Dad and you should let them do so. But if you can’t count on his word then lower your expectations. Don’t let him be the source of your stress. (Or try not to anyways.)
# 6) Being Overworked
If you read the not making ends meet section then it’s clear that you, as a single mom, are going to have to work a hell of a lot harder than those with supportive spouses.
It’s a big shock at first. But if you put in the work you can get around this by creating your own opportunities.
#7) Missing Your Kids Like Crazy
The hardest part for me in all of this is just how much I miss my kids when they’re at their Dads. I constantly wonder what they’re doing, if they’re behaving, and hoping they aren’t put in any bad situations.
But it’s out of my control.
When I first got divorced I kept my kids the majority of the time. Then my ex-husband and I worked out a shared parenting agreement, which I believe is truly the best thing for my children. The hard part, is sometimes I don’t know what to do without them.
While this has gotten easier over the past couple of years I don’t think the worry will ever completely go away.
Final Thoughts
Those are the seven biggest single mom problems. Some of them you’ll have the ability to change while others are completely out of your control.
Do the best you can and focus on what’s in your power. It takes some time to get used to but after a while you’ll figure everything out.
What was your biggest challenge as a new single mom?
Thiis is a very thoughtfull post, Alexa. it is so damn hard to transition from the idea that you will be happily married to the idea that you will be a single mom to the idea that you will Thrive as a Single Mom.
It is hard. I think we all intended to be happily married but unfortunately life doesn’t always work out like that. But what’s worse being unhappily married and miserable for the rest of your life or being miserable for a year or two while you’re transitioning? That’s how I like to look at it anyway.
#4: YES.
I’ve read stats about this. Over 80% of the time, child support is in arrears. If I get it, I consider it icing on the cake. Unfair, but them’s the brakes.
Child Support in Arrears: I was speaking to the DA that handles my “account” aka deadbeat dad situation. I told her that I didn’t think i would get all the funds until he was old enough to retire and they garnished his Social Security. This got me thinking …. when we read about the future of social security, how will people retire etc. Those numbers don’t reflect the number of parents in arrears. Some folks will have their checks garnished to cover back child support. Do they ever think about that ? I hope they don’t think the kids are gonna help them out. You don’t help people you don’t respect.
I know way too many people who have the child support issue. I know some who owe upwards of $20k in back child support but they’d rather go to jail for a few days instead of getting a job to pay. It’s really sad. And yeah, I bet a lot of people don’t know about the social security garnishing either.
You didnt mention suicide statistics children with single mother 9x more likely to commit suicide that wasnt mentioned the fact that the men are being lectured as useless to a degree i think is biased. You never mentioned the fact that single moms dont only abuse children more but are more likely isnt an issue or a problem instead of patting all single mothers on the back address problems significant problems i know its pride but please address the problem and correlation between crime and single mothers please do that.
Amen
Yeah I would consider it icing on the cake too. I didn’t apply for child support because I wanted my kids Dad to be able to keep his house which I felt was “home” to my girls and would comfort them in what they were going through. Luckily, he and I were able to pretty easily talk out our parenting plans. But I know a bunch of people who never get the child support that they’re owed. It’s sad that you can’t depend on it.
I receive child support and he pays and is responsible because sometime the system glitches or if he’s on layoff it takes time for the money to come through, I don’t count on it much. What I do is I keep it in a separate account because I know he will be working less or not certain time of the year I budget for it.
That’s definitely a good idea.
How about stress? not only depression but stress of kids, now running a household by yourself , work stress. Just as much as depression hit i think stress is a big one. I didnt know how to stop stress then i had a physcial manifestion of it by getting sick. I’ve also heard of single moms who fainted, ended up in the hospital because of panic attacks or fatigue. Because being stressed leads you to not sleep well, grind your teeth etc. because your so tightly wound and if you dont have support You’ll go crazy. I suggest looking for a good babysitter / preschool/ relative etc. to have some alone time when needed. That tends to be on the back burner of many single moms i know it happens to me. Now i trade off with another mommy for some me time! Much needed!
I don’t know how I left stress off there. I think I’ve definitely had my fair share of fatigue caused by stress. And then depression caused by stress.
Yes, taking care of kids by yourself is hands down the hardest thing I think anyone could go through. I’m lucky in the sense that girls’ Dad gets them on a regular basis, therefore giving me breaks. But even with breaks it’s hard.
When I was first on my own there were many times when I’d have to lock myself in the bathroom for ten minutes so that I wouldn’t blow up on my kids in pure frustration. Stress is definitely a HUGE issue.
I’m glad you found someone to trade off with. Definitely a smart move on your part 🙂
My parents divorced when I was 7 and looking back I realize that my mom was under and EXTREME amount of stress. I think that was the biggest issue. Then, I got sick and every Friday for a year my mom had to take off from work to take me to the doctor (it was a big issue-all fine now!)
I’m glad everything is fine health related now. My parents got divorced when I was 15 and for awhile I held a grudge toward my mom because it seemed that she had changed so much. But now that I’m older I can look back and realize what she was going through and forgive. Time has given me a whole new perspective on the issue.
Being Single mom is hardest thing ever in life .But I m salute if you work hard because life is not as easy as we think so carry on
You definitely hit it right on the nose with this post. The father of my child and me were together. We were supposed to be together. And even though I tried to pretend like everything was okay and that I was fine after we broke up, I was literally heart broken. It has been almost 2 year since then with very limited support from him. And I just decided that I can sit here and be sad about my situation until my daughter graduates from college or I can get up and get myself together! I honestly feel like I was depressed for about 18 months and one day the tears just stopped and I realized that life goes on. It gets very hard sometimes but you just keep smiling, praying and get the job done. There’s a reason God made women the bearers of life, because he knew we were strong enough to withstand it. I just discovered this blog and I am already a fan!