At the end of this month it will officially be one year since I moved out of my house and decided to get divorced. I’ve had my ups and downs since then and this is usually a subject I try not to think about too much. But, I want to be completely honest with all of you, especially if divorce is something that you are considering.
If there is one word I could use to sum up, how I really feel, it’s this: depressed.
What You Don’t Know About Being a Single Mom
You know the feeling you get when your kid does something super cute? Normally, you and your partner lock eyes and give each other a smile. A meaningful memory has been created. Somebody else is there with you to enjoy and treasure the moment. You want to be able to tell your kids when they’re older – “you used to do this all the time when you were a kid, it was so cute!”
Now imagine that you’re by yourself every time your kid does something cute. You have nobody with you to cherish that moment.
And even if you do find someone else, chances are they’re not going to treasure that cute moment quite like the father of your children would have.
All of the same stuff happens whether you are a single parent or married. But when you’re single you handle it all on your own. The temper tantrums, the attitudes, and the cute stuff, it all still happens. You just have no back up. It’s up to you to make sure your kids are being raised the right way.
Perhaps, this is something you have thought about. If so, trust me, you don’t really grasp the idea of how hard this can be until you’re a couple months into it.
Forget the Life You Know
When I got divorced I knew that I was going to have to separate the girls time between me and their father. They have a great father and I couldn’t keep them from him. That would be selfish and I honestly believe their dad needs to be just as active in their life as I am. (Which he is.)
The first couple of months the separation from them didn’t bother me so much. Life was hectic and stressful and I was just trying to figure out what I should do. Then I started to get settled and the weekends without my girls felt like an eternity, and they still do.
On the weekends I don’t have my kids, it takes everything in me not to just sit down and cry. And sometimes that’s what I do. I question my decisions, my abilities as a parent, and the life that I am giving them on my own.
I try my hardest to keep it together and there is only a couple of people who I talk to about what I am really feeling. On the outside I seem like I have it together. Really, I have been heavily considering going to the doctor and getting something for depression.
It’s been a year and I have yet to regain any sense of comfort. I don’t know how long this will take, but for me, I know it will be awhile.
Providing Financially
Hindsight is 20/20 and I was a dumb ass to give up my second job. It was flexible and provided me the money I needed to get by. I absolutely hated not having any free time and working so much, but now I am constantly looking for ways to fill the time when I don’t have the girls.
Being on your own with a low income is hard. That is why we are living in a trailer. That is why I spend $250/month on groceries. That is why I keep looking for ways to bring in extra money that I enjoy.
I am still confident that if I keep pushing toward my goals I will get to where I want to be. But, it takes time and doesn’t make providing financially any easier right now.
I understand that everyone is in different situations. Some women are single moms because they got out of abusive relationships and life is much, much better for them now. Being a single mom isn’t all bad, but it is so much harder emotionally than I could have EVER anticipated.
This is just my story and my feelings. If you are a single mom, is life better for you now or is it a lot harder? I would love to know how long it took you to feel whole again.
I can’t imagine what it is like to be in your situation, and I’m always impressed by the single moms that I know. I think it’s great you took up blogging and I hope you stick with it and believe that there IS money to be made online! I think this site could be a great side income source for you and provide you the income you need to take your living situation to the next level.
I am definitely going to stick with it and I really hope that within the next year it can take my living situation to the next level. Thanks, DC.
Thank you for sharing your personal story, and I’m really inspired by how hard you work. Just know that we’re here for you!
Thank you, Tina. Means a lot!
I have always loved your blog, and I want you to know that you are doing AWESOME! 🙂
Thanks, Michelle!
I just want to give you a big hug. You seem to be holding it together quite well. I look up to you and hope that I can be as strong as you have been. Thank you for sharing something so personal.
Thank you, Jennifer.
I’m coming up on three years soon and seem to be no better, still working seven days a week, having major car problems, can’t pay the bills, sometimes I say to myself maybe I should have stayed married just for the comfort but I know it would have been wrong staying married to an alcoholic who stopped working, stopped loving his family, I just struggle all the time while he lives the life of luxery while only paying $50.00 a month child support. I’m having a hard time paying rent/bills, I need a newer safer car but I can’t afford it, my family can’t help me, sometimes I just want to give up and move far far away but I don’t want to take my kids out of the only town they know, divorce was hard enough and the last thing I want to do it take that away, my daughter has defiant disorder and my son is beginning to show the same, everyday is battle and I’m hoping someday soon things will change, until then I live day to day not knowing what the next day will bring, three years later 🙁
I hate to hear that you have some of the same struggles but it also makes me feel like I’m not alone. I sometimes think that maybe I should have stayed married as well. I know it wouldn’t be right to stay in a loveless marriage but I think might have been a little easier just sticking it out.
There is a reason so many single moms are depressed and in poverty. It’s because for all intents and purposes we are not equal. We are one of the most underserved and voiceless members of the population. We are part of the new and evolving modern family. And as such we need to find new ways of meeting our needs as well as those of our children. The court system doesn’t deliniate parenting responsibilities equally. Most single mothers are expected to do the impossible. And to do it alone without support and without acknowkedgement. We need to create a conversation around a new ways to create a modern village for the modern solo mom. We need to stand tall stand proud and blaze a trail that makes it better for other female heads of household raising their kids. Solo moms rock
Crystal – Mad props to you. While it may not always seem like you’ve made the right choice, you have!! If you have a fighting chance of moving and your kids are young, I recommend doing it NOW! You are the MOM! What seems like giving up could be a fresh start. Your children may “hate” you for a while, but in the end, if moving is what will make you whole again, they will have a happier, better mom. If I had moved my son to Arizona 7 years ago, I wouldn’t be dealing with a 14-year old who can “choose” where he lives by law, I would be less stressed and I would likely have reached more life goals that would benefit my son, versus living in an apartment, right back at square one with an S.O. that is just as bad, if not worse than what I originally signed up for. If you can get the hell out of dodge and your children’s father says okay, DO IT!
I was a single mom for many years. It was very hard at first. But I can tell you that I learned alot about myself. I became a stronger and better person. Remember to take care of you too. Hugs!
Thank you, Britnee. I hope this will make me stronger in the end too.
I have so much respect for single parents everywhere. I hardly want to take care of my kids for a day or two alone. I simply cannot imagine everything being my responsibility. Kids are so much work!
Yes, being a single parent is like a double edge sword. You think you are ready for a break from your kids but then when you actually get one you just wish they were back with you. Silence is depressing when you are used to have a three and four year old run around and argue all day!
I want to give you a big hug too. I’m coming up on 3 years since the divorce and still struggle with the silence on the weekends my 2 girls are with their father. While I know this is situation what it is, that doesn’t mean I don’t wish it was something else. I struggle with sticking to the budget, am looking for a weekend job so I can fill in both the silence with activity and the savings account. I do want to encourage you to see someone, even if it’s just a professional ear to talk to. I was diagnosed with “situational depression” and medication has helped immensely. It keeps me from overreacting to little things so I can focus on the important ones. You are doing an amazing job! Can you get the second job back? It might just be some ‘glue’ for you to help keep things together, both emotionally & financially. For me, it has taken a while. 3 years out & I’m finally feeling like it’s coming together instead of me hanging on for dear life (most of the time). So, it’s both easier and harder. Hang in there. It really is okay – ok to make mistakes, ok to miss your kids, ok to cry, ok to set the world on its ear because you are you and awesome.
I think I do have a good chance of getting a second job but it wouldn’t be the one I left It would actually be a few steps down from what I left. But at the same time it would help keep me busy when I didn’t have the girls.
I really want to thank you for sharing about your depression situation. I have been heavily weighing going to the doctor and getting something for it. A few of my family members have told me that meds have really helped them. I just need to get over the embarrassment of calling and scheduling the appointment and just give it a try.
You will get over the silence. You will enjoy it, even.
The budget is another story. It’s an ongoing battle, as it is with a two-parent income.
Being a parent involves money. Being firm about how your child/children is afforded monies is important. If possible, make sure DAD is involved. If not, lay some ground rules, set a chore schedule to “EARN” money and don’t waiver. Don’t be afraid to enact punishment for fear that DAD will be favored over you.
I grew up in a single parent household. I know how hard it can be. It’s funny, I think to myself sometimes- ”I could totally be a single parent if I had to” but I’m only thinking about the work that’s involved. The emotional aspect of parenting is much harder and easier when it’s shared. I’m sure what you;re doing is best for your family in the long run. Good luck.
I can’t begin to imagine how tough it is, but I guess all you can do is take it day by day and trust yourself. Sounds like you have your children’s best interest at heart and it sounds like you are on the right track for achieving what you want for them.
I just got divorced this November and I have a 13 year son and 12 Year old daughter. I do see a counselor because it helps me release any stress. The hardest part for me is that I am living pay check by pay check making $14 an hour in a 12 hour shift as a Nusre Assistant and I only get $60 a month of child support. I do love my job because I love helping people but, Sometimes I worry if I am going to have enough. I also didn’t want to apply for food stamps, but I didn’t have money for food and I did qualify. I never imaged myself going on public assistance I want to get out soon. I have my own place and I am very happy I did, because it made me stronger. I pray that one day I can have enough for clothing for my children and activities like taking my kids to the movies sea world etc. Let’s keep on fighting and never give up.
It sounds like you’re making the best of a tough situation. What are your plans for bringing in extra income?
Aw, hang in there! I’ve been through a divorce, and even though I was the one who initiated it, it hurts a lot. I can’t even imagine if I had had kids at that time. Keep on keeping on! You’re so brave!
I know exactly what you are going through. I left an abusive marriage in October 2012 and it has been extremely difficult. I have to say that I struggle with many of the same issues as you. My children have no relationship with their father because he chooses not to visit with them, and when he did, he constantly harassed them about my life and told them he was going to harm me. Trust me, they are much better off without his interactions although I often wish that he would change and just be a father to them. I struggle with the bills, the broken down car, and the lack of time to myself. I am rarely apart from my children; when I am not at work, which is a very stressful job (I am a social work in child protective services), I am at home with them trying to be both mom and dad.
I try to always look on the positive side because when I look at the negative, it gets me nowhere and I definately want to get ahead in life. I struggled with depression and take medication for it. I am also involved in a womens group for survivors of trauma. I can honestly say that the struggles I face today are no where near what I faced when in that awful abusive relationship. They are different struggles, but I have my own home, food on the table, a good job, and three wonderful children that God blessed me with.
Now I am focused on being the best parent I can be. I count my blessings every day. I know it will get easier for you and I would strongly suggest seeking professional help for your depression, you will feel much better when you do. You are an amazing woman and I love your blog. Keep up the good work! 🙂
Thank you so much, Sandy. It really means a lot that you are sharing your story with me. I do try to look at the positive sides of things most of the time it’s just when I don’t have my kids that I sit around thinking way too much. I have been nervous about going to the doctor and getting something for depression, but I feel a lot better about now that a few other single mothers have let me know they are dealing with the same thing. You sound like an amazing mother and your kids are very lucky to have you!
i am a single mother who was doing just great at the beginning. I went to school at 39 and earned my degree as an X-ray tech. After working for two years and loving it, I was diagnosed with a horrid autoimmune disease. I lost my job, and started on all these toxic medications. I have no support system. No family. Except for an aunt whom I adore in Florida. I stayed here in a cold state because of my ex and the kids. I thought by a miracle I was going to get better but instead fell into my first depression. How do I raise my daughter (14) when I am either sick physically or depressed? I had a complete meltdown in front of her the other day and she had her dad come get her. Now she is staying with him he says for the week or depending on her feelings. I know I made a mistake by having a complete breakdown and apologized to her and the ex. He screamed at me and told me how dare you? I am so devastated at the moment. I was unable to seek help for depression as the insurance I had was so expensive (560) per month- yet I had no mental health. I just got insurance through health . Gov. What a fiasco! They have messed every bill up from the beginning. I am also about to receive my degree (as) in two weeks with the intention of getting a scholarship to earn my bachelors. I just turned 50. I refused to go on disability and wanted a degree that I can help people do chose (ironically) psychology. This is two days after my breakdown. My daughter is not answering my texts or calls. I don’t know how to proceed. Advice please?
Crushed mom
BTW: Were you with CPS in Auburn (Dekalb Cty) Indiana?
Eleven years now as a single mom. Boy are there ups and downs. Now I am content, happy and so proud of all I’ve done…but it took time. I started out with a newborn, Dad walked out on both of us, took off so I had no child support and no career. He was suppose to be the provider. I worked myself stupid in menial jobs in the beginning and couldn’t see how life would get better but it did. Little by little. Having sisters and girlfriends helped. I had to pat myself on the back for every small accomplishment. At night I would lie in bed after putting her to sleep and say to myself “My daughter is safe and asleep in a bed of her own, her belly is full, she has a roof over her head, we laughed and played today. I am a great mom to accomplish all that on my own.” The part about not being able to share special moments with your ex-husband. That goes away…after a few years. It all takes time and if you need to cry go right ahead. Here’s a little suggestion. If there is a store you like to shop at, for the kids or yourself, maybe a part-time retail job might be the thing. I know the money sucks but you would get a discount at the store, its pretty much all women, so you may make some friends plus it would be so stress free as opposed to your “career” job. Good luck and know, for certain, you are part of the single mom’s club, it’s not an exclusive club, but we do care.
Thanks, Trina. The last sentence of your comment made me smile 🙂 I am also glad to know that it does get easier with the memories thing with time. It sounds like you’ve had it a little rougher than I have and have done a wonderful job. Thank you for sharing, you sound like a wonderful mother and woman!
Hang in there, Alexa! It gets better — a lot better!! You will find a way to make it work. Just stay focused on your vision and the future you want to create for you and your kids.
I think you’re already a stronger person because you can have so much introspection about the entire process you’ve been through. To be able to articulate your sadness is a huge accomplishment by itself.
You’re so incredibly brave to admit all of this. I’m sure that if I were in the same situation I would try to hide all my depression, anger, guilt, etc; and that would be doing no one any good. Stay strong. And don’t feel bad if you do need help. That’s why its there.
My parents divorced when I was seven. My mom has also said things similar to what you just posted. Thank you for sharing with us and continue to trust that you’ve made the right decision for you. We’re in your corner.
I am a single mom to a beautiful 7 year old daughter. There are so many challenges with being the only adult in the house and having all that responsibility fall on me. I am blessed with a good job, and while finances are tight and child support sporadic I am able to take care of my daughter and live in a good location with a great school for her and short commute for me. I have family close by and they give me respite when I really need it. She is also at the age where sleepovers begin so sometimes she goes to a friend’s house. I am tired every night. The dishes usually pile up for a few days before I get around to washing them. I have moments of true loneliness missing that companionship with another adult, but my daughter makes me smile every day and I know that I am doing my best to raise her well. I am proud of the lovely young lady she is becoming and I am blessed to be called her mom 🙂
Very inspiring Sarah! It sounds like you have really overcome a lot of obstacles. I have family close by as well and I try to turn to them when I am having tough times.I think that you have a great outlook on life.
I have been a single mom for almost 7.5 years now. It was so hard in the beginning for me as my son’s father left us when my son was 6 months old. I was so angry and bitter. I was going back to college full time just shortly after he left. I knew I was in for a lot as I grew up in a single mother household. There were many times I cried not knowing what to do, how was I going to make things work. When my son was old enough to visit his father I would cry all day and night. But finally I realized it was a chance for me to try and recharge my batteries. I could sleep in, go to the bathroom without knocking on the door, and I could do something just for me when my son was gone. And it is really ok to do something for yourself, it actually makes you a better parent by taking care of yourself as well.
I try to tell myself that it is okay to do things for myself. I used to wish I had more time for myself and then when I got it I didn’t want it anymore. I usually try to keep myself busy. Someday’s I am okay when I am by myself but there are other days when I just miss my girls so much. I am just hoping it gets easier with more time.
Hi there,
Just read your guest post over at MoneySavingMom, wanted to see your blog! I too, separated last July and divorced in November, 2 kiddos ages 2 and 7. I have many gratefuls like my ex being responsible and paying spousal and child support, but cannot believe a year has already gone by. Things are still in transition for me, going back to college, going further in debt in hopes of a brighter chance at a decent career as there was no way I was going to make money after the costs of child care and commuting etc, the college debt is stressing me out! I have one side job @20$ a week, but I am looking to find a few more odd jobs to reduce the amount of debt I am accuring due to college expenses!
I am grateful as well that my exhusband is a very good dad. The transition is very hard though. Good luck with college that sounds like a very smart decision for you and your family. I wish you the best of luck!
I’m 2 and a half years out from my divorce and those feelings have lessened, but I still very much wish sometimes for someone to share moments with. And the only thing that makes the lonely house feeling go away is getting out when the kids are gone. The worst though is bedtime when you’re preparing to go to bed by yourself and don’t have to wrangle your kids too. Crazy how you miss arguing about teeth brushing! And I would encourage you to find help with your depression, if possible. I saw someone and was on medicine for a while, it helped tremendously.
I can totally relate, bedtime is usually the worst for me. I will try to stay up as late as I can so that I fall asleep instead of laying in bed awake just thinking. It is pretty crazy how much you miss arguing with your kids about bedtime when they aren’t there.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on being a single mom. As a son raised by a single mom I can somewhat relate to, from the other side, how you feel. At least your two girls have their father in their lives. I did not sadly as he passed away when I was three.
That being said, as long as you are doing all you can, and from the looks of it, you are, that’s all anyone can ask.
I wish you nothing but the best and keep on doing what you’re doing. Perseverance is the key, but I know you already know that 🙂
Take care and all the best.
Lyle
ps: I wrote a blog post today that you might relate to if interested:
http://www.thejoyofsimple.com/what-my-mother-taught-me-about-simple-living-without-her-knowing-it/
Thanks again!
Thank you so much for your kind words Lyle. I will definitely check out your post!
Thanks Alexa…it was great “seeing” you there and thanks for the thoughtful comment 🙂 All the best.
Lyle
I know exactly what you’re talking about, however, my situation was and is very different. Being a single mom is not always easy, but I guess I don’t really know anything different, so I can’t say it is so much harder than if my son’s father were here. My husband was in prison from the time I was 2 months pregnant until our son was 19 months old. He did, however, always provide emotional support and he did anything he could to help me and he always gave me advice (that I regretfully, ignorantly ignored because I am so hard headed;) Our son was planned, by the way, and I had just turned 20 years old when he left, so it was extremely hard for me. I was alone almost my entire pregnancy, I learned how to be a mother by myself (he offered advice, but *I* was the one who had to do it), I attended two colleges simultaneously and worked plus had an infant, at another time I worked two jobs with a toddler. I always gave up, though. I would pile so much on myself and I would do so well for a while, and then I would just crash and burn. Don’t do that. It sounds like you may have made the right choice by quitting your second job. I understand the regret, trust me, but when your sanity is being jeopardized you have to change some things. If you are drained all the time, you are no good to anyone. Not just physically, but mentally as well, as I’m sure you are aware of by now. Do not beat yourself up. Anyway, my husband came home and it was like he had never left. Everything felt so right., I was so beyond ecstatic to finally have my family together. All the simple, every day things most people take for granted I was relishing. He was here for 4 1/2 months and then I ended up having to have him removed from my house because he attacked and terrorized me in front of our 23 month old son. I know he loves us and does not want to hurt us, and I’m not making excuses for him, but he needs help. If it wasn’t for my son, I probably would have never had the courage or willpower to separate myself from him. I know it sounds like I am “so strong” and people say they are proud of me, but it is not easy, at ALL, and it is definitely not what I want. I cry at EVERYTHING because it reminds me of my family or my husband – when he is himself. I guess the hardest part is knowing how he can be, and how he chooses to be. I came across your blog on Google when I was trying to find a printable grocery list so I don’t forget anything. Another thing I would like to say is, STOP FEEDING YOUR CHILDREN GARBAGE. Please don’t take offense to that, but this is a serious, serious issue. I used to be the same exact way, so I understand, believe me. Easy and cheap things, because I literally had NO time, no money, I cannot cook, I lived in a cabin type structure (lol, really cannot explain it so you would fully understand), but it had ONE small room and that was the living room, dining room, kitchen and bedroom and it had a very small bathroom. So, I didn’t have anything but a microwave, toaster and a hot plate (that would rarely ever work). Plus, when it was just me eating because my son was too small yet I didn’t pay any attention to it. Don’t make excuses like I did, though. All you have to do is try. Just set a goal of cooking something once a day Monday through Friday. That’s what I did anyway. I still do not cook every day, but we don’t eat canned spaghetti or hot dogs for dinner….. There are a ton of other options, some of which I am still discovering myself so I am not judging you. As far as snacks, you know what your kids like, but you are also in charge of what they get to try, and therefore, crave. It may seem like such a small part of life when you consider everything you’ve got going on (remember, I KNOW this, lol), but, it is a very big deal! You are teaching your children how to eat. My son is VERY picky as well, and it is an every day battle trying to get him to eat the nutritious foods over junk (not so much junk as the things I think he should be eating more of, like his green beans over garlic bread!), but that is our job as mothers. What I just recently tried with him was taking him to a Farmers Market and letting him help me pick out what to buy and explaining what everything was. If you’ve never been (only my second time ever) it is very, very inexpensive and the quality of the produce is UNBELIEVABLE compared to most regular grocery stores or super markets. Again, I’m not judging you because I have been in your shoes, but it is something you really should think about. It sounds as though you are doing WAY better than a lot of single mothers, at least the ones I know. I haven’t seen you make one excuse for doing something you know you shouldn’t do and trying to justify it because you are doing it alone. I went a little crazy and got carried away there for a minute, lol. I guess that is what happens when you can type 60+ words a minute and you have so much to say and your 2 year old is throwing balls at your face (: I am very excited to read your blog and see how well things turn out for you and you girls’. Never give up. It will be hard and there will be times you think you can’t go on, but always remember why you’re doing what you’re doing. Good luck to you, I am rooting for you and all single mommies who try their best! (:
Judith, thank you so much for sharing your story. You are a strong person, it takes a lot of courage to have someone you love removed from your home. I understand exactly what you mean when you say it upsets you knowing how he can be but that’s not how he chooses to be. It’s definitely hard to deal with and wish you luck in healing and finding the right path for you.
As for the grocery list I have done a lot better over the past month or so. After that post I had quite a few people tell me that I need to eat healthier and I have made an effort to do so. I still hate to cook but I am doing more than that. I have been keeping apples and bananas in the house all the time. We also grew a garden this year and have been getting plenty of fresh vegetables from my dads garden. My eating has definitely improved but it’s still a work in progress.
Here’s a thought: how about trying to work, I mean REALLY trying to work things out with your ex-husband??? For the sake of happiness for you AND your children! I have felt so many times that I need to divorce my husband for this and for that etc etc; however I know it’s not right (in God’s eyes) so I pray SO, SO hard for Him to help us through our problems, help ME see my faults. I know my husband has a past and issues to deal with, but so do I!!! God put us together for a reason…we need to try and work it out and HELP each other, sins and all! It’s hard and we’re always feeling a sense of entitlement and receiving bad advice from unhappy, medicated single moms who don’t want anyone else happy! Now everybody’s situation is different and physical abuse is another story, but your run of the mill problems need to and should be worked out!!! For the sake of those innocent little lives!!! Your ex husband might have issues, but pray for him and pray for you guys to work it out and get back together! Aside from physical abuse and physical infidelity, anything can be worked out, even the aforementioned. Defy the odds and go against conventional wisdom…seeks Gods wisdom and His guidance, pray with ALL your heart and watch Him work in your lives!!! It sure beats being miserable and numb from medication after a year!!! Try something different. I recommend a wonderful book. “Created to be His Helpmeet”. Promise me you’ll read it with an open heart and a prayer on your lips? I will be praying and thinking about you! With care, Candace
It doesn’t get easeier and reaching your personal goals gets harder. Their attitudes and behavior as they get older just brings more depression. As a single mother for 9.5 years. I know financially, emotionally. You have to dig down deep to find a silver lining.
That’s right…Grow your own food.Love it !!!Between that and rainwater harvesting you will be one happy gardener.Looking forward to? your future posts.;0)
For me it’s both harder and easier if that makes sense. Still separated bc i cant afford to divorce yet. He refuses to do it, says he’ll never divorce me and be around every corner for the rest of my life. He was abusive and everything bad a husband could do he did. He’s good with our son now and has hom most weekends which is hard. My son is on the autism spectrum too. I tried dating but stopped because i had a bad experience and just dont care anymoe. Im scared im going to lose my job die to various things going on there. I used to have a ton of friends but not anymore with movong alot and my ex alienatong me, etc. My son is my world and all im living fir now. I had a stillborn a few years ago which changed me forever, im convinced the stress my ex put me under made it happen. I just hope and pray im free and happy one day. Never wanted to be a single mom but he made it happen.
Thank you so much for writing this.
I’ve been a single mother to my nearly 3yo daughter for little over a year now.
I got out of an abusive relationship with a man who didn’t work and didn’t help with anything due to autism and depression.
It is so so hard. Now that I have the time to feel my own feelings and don’t have to balance out those of my ex anymore, I’m starting to realize I’m not doing well.
There are days where I feel so terrible I just want to end it all. I won’t, of course, but the thoughts are there.
I’m not the mother I want to be. I’m not as patient, not as nurturing, not as empathetic as I know I should be. I fear my daughter doesn’t dare to open up to me because often I can’t handle her crying and just tell her to stop.
Every week I have to renew my vow to really listen to her and be there for her. I do it for a couple of days and then I crumble.
She’s the most important person on the planet to me and even that is not enough to do a good job parenting her.
I have to add I became physically challenged after she was born due to an unknown genetic disorder. So I’m fighting muscle weakness, heart disease and chronic fatigue on top of all of this.
I know that it will pass and most days I’m quite optimistic, but today I just really hit rock bottom. Your article has helped me not feeling so damned alone. Thank you!