Getting back into dating after ending a long term relationship is tough. If you are a single parent you have to think about your kids as well as yourself. While there is no certain amount of time you need to wait before stepping back into the playing field, the most important thing is that you have healed from the prior relationship.
Dating After Divorce
The time needed to heal is different for everyone. It has been nine months since the ex and I made the split but I don’t feel like I am fully healed yet. Casual dating could be in the picture for me but at this point a serious relationship doesn’t look like it’s in my near future.
I still need to figure out who I am on my own and find happiness within myself before thinking of finding hapiness with someone else.
Feeling Like You Need Someone
I’m not going to lie, after I moved out of the ex’s house and into my dads, one of the first feelings I had was loneliness. I felt like I needed a man with me. I started to feel desperate…….
I ended up spending some time with an old friend from high school. I thought that I needed to replace the ex with someone new. My emotions were at an all time high and I looked to him to make me feel better. When my kids would go visit their dad I would go visit my old friend.
This was a HUGE mistake. I was vulnerable and easily influenced. This short lived fling made my confidence plummet. I was an easy target for him – way too needy and just wanted a man beside me.
After a couple of weeks of hanging out with him I realized how dumb I was being. I didn’t need a man, I was fine by myself. What I needed was to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. I stopped hanging out with him when I didn’t have the kids and instead focused on myself. (And voila – Single Moms Income was born.)
So if you are still at a vulnerable place, DO NOT DATE. Spend your free time working on yourself. Find a hobby you can pour yourself into. Don’t be an easy target for a man looking for a booty call.
Factors to Consider About Dating
If you are healed and ready to get out on the dating scene, there are plenty of important factors to consider, especially if you are looking for a long term relationship.
- Does he like kids?
- Does he have kids?
- Stable Job
- His Living Situation
- How he makes you feel
The first four factors are all about stability. When you are a single mom you have to think about the situations that you are going to put your kids in and kids need stablity. And of course you want somebody who makes you feel like you are on top of the world- don’t settle for anything less.
We have all made mistakes in the relationship department but instead of dwelling on what went wrong we can learn from them and eventually we will find whats right!
I know how hard it is to put yourself out there so I want to do a little series on single moms dating or anything to do with past/present relationships. So if you want to submit a guest post or have a story to share please email me.
Out of curiousity, how long do you think you should wait to date? Do you think there are any age limitations? Would you date an older/younger man? I wanna know what you think!
Photo Credit: Photo Stock
Another Question. At what point do you introduce the new guy to the kids ? I know people who have waited a year or longer. I think it is sad for kids to meet a long line of mom’s boyfriends or dad’s girlfriends.
That is a very good question. But I think again it is completely different for each person. It’s tough, I think instead of setting a specific time limit that I would just go with what felt right.
I actually just started seeing someone, a very much love from my past, I never hooked up with him then but wanted too, he has spent two weekends with me, my kids adore him, he spent more time with them than me, but took me 3 years to get this far after my divorce and I have realized my time is now, I’m coming alive (St Elmos Fire, my favorite movie also). He lives far away and can only visit on weekends which works out well, once again in my life I am excited about something and glad my kids like him, even my son said I want him to be my dad. As far as my X, he introduced his girlfriend to the kids early, since he was with her during our marriage, that was and is still difficult for the kids. My daughter is having a hard time with me dating (she is 13) but i’ve waited long enough and if this is meant to be then its going to happen, just hope she gets on board.
I am happy that you are happy 🙂 And it is great that your kids like him too. As for your daughter I am sure it is going to take her some time to get used to it but hopefully with a little bit of time she will come to accept and appreciate that he makes you so happy.
I am technically not divorced yet, but after 15 months separated AND swearing off men forever…a funny thing happened. I’m not seeing someone. I’ve worked with him for 3 1/2 years and we just hung out as friends for a while then bam he kissed me goodnight one night. I was amazed. So, my Plan A of never being with another guy has been changed to Plan B which is still a work in progress. My daughter (11 yo) knows him since our work has family functions throughout the year. I was really, really worried about how she would feel, but she was really excited and happy that I was happy. I also think it helped my situation that her Daddy immediately got on Zoosk and frequented “bad” websites as soon as we split and he got an iPhone…she found all of this herself while playing on his phone, but I was still scared to tell her. Zoe’s Dad has yet to take her for visitation, so the couple of times I’ve gone and she has stayed with my parents or stayed with a friend. She is still my #1 priority and the guy I’m seeing totally understand about that and that I’m not going to do anything to mess with the actual divorce…we have a court date of May 20. I’m hopeful it will really happen this time, but he has pulled crap before that has kept it from being finalized.
I hope that your court date goes well and you get the closure you deserve! I thought off swearing off men as well lol, but I don’t think it’s too practical now.
I am glad you found your Plan B because you deserve to be happy and if a man is making you happy then enjoy it.
I really agree with your advice to not date right away. I always advise newly separated mom’s to wait. I think it takes time to create a new stability for the family and bringing a new person in won’t help. No matter what the reason for a divorce or breakup no one leaves feeling great and powerful with amazing self-esteem. Even if it was the right thing to do the fact that something you initially had great faith in has failed, is enough to knock you down a few pegs. No new man or relationship will mend that. You need to enter a new relationship already healed or there will be issues. I used the time after to really be there for my daughter, to work on friendships and hobbies, as well as my career. Now I’m in a good place to date…or not. I’m okay with either.
Yeah dating when you aren’t fully healed is not a good idea and is a surefire way for any new relationship to go bad. You are right about the self esteem issue. Your confidence defitinely takes a hit when you lose the stability a long term relationship brings and it’s easy to feel like you need a man, when really thats the last thing you need.
After I made my first blunder I decided that I needed a constructive hobby and I started this blog. Glad I put my focuses on my kids and myself.
I’m definitely not a mom nor single but I will say after we had our children I can’t even imagine going at it alone. I always respected single moms but after becoming a dad I have a new found respect for single moms.
I would say the time period to wait on dating depends on the person and the circumstance of the split. As for the other questions I believe as long as he is a good man, with a stable job, and someone you would want your kids to be around it is ok to date him. I really liked this post, thank you for sharing.
Yeah I think it definitely depends on the person. And it’s all about stabiilty with kids, so the man would have to be ok to bring around your kids. Everyone has different standards though so it’s hard to put a one size fits all on this issue.
Thanks for your comment!
So I was married for 4 years and after we split, I went to casually dating for a bit because he was my first real relationship and I was only 20 when we first got married. He had cheated on me several times and my self esteem was at an all time low. But I liked the attention I was now finding from other men, while I was grieving this loss. I had a lot of fun, got to experience the whole dating Men, since they had jobs and cars now. It was fun but once I got that out of my system like 6 months, I began looking for someone that was more long term. After 9 months, I started to date someone with 3 kids. (The first time I ever had dated anyone with kids, and he has 3). It’s been 2 years and I’m happy to report we’re getting married in August. 🙂 So I went form a divorced, very un-happy person and hurt, having been cheated on..to a happy Step-mom of 3 kids to a wonderful man. (Who is 10 years older than me)
Thats great! Glad to hear you have found your happiness!
I dated a lot from age 18-20 but when I first got divorced I was kind of craving attention. Mainly because I hadn’t gotten it from the ex that much so I definitely see where you are coming from. My ex was nine years older than me. (I asked that age question because I have always been attracted to men slighlty older than me 🙂 )
Great post! My ex and I split for good, as in he moved out, Feb.2012 he had been cheating on me, and is now still seeing the woman still. My kids now like her, but it has been almost a year and a half. I still hate her, LOL. I didn’t date anyone for quite some time, but did have a bit of a fling that ended in January. He never met my kids, nor I his. It was all bout us, and that was refreshing actually. Only problem was I wanted to take the next step, and he didn’t. He was five years younger than me. Now, I am cautiously seeing another man, with two grown children. He is eight years older than me. I have never dated an older guy but things are going ok. He has already met my kids, but just briefly and not in a situation where they were introduced to him as my boyfriend….it’s a difficult thing to navigate.
I can’t imagine how hard of an issue this would be to tackle. If I were in this situation, I’d probably be very awkward like Steve Carell in Crazy Stupid Love. Perhaps you should date again when you’re simply ready to let yourself have fun. Not every date has to be the next potential husband. Sometimes they could just be fun for now. As your confidence and emotions start to get back to a comfortable level, then you could set your sights higher for Mr Right.