I have come across two types of newly divorced mothers. The first is the type who feels the need to make up for lost time, like my mother did. This type felt like they were trapped at home never getting to socially interact, and now have the chance to “live their life.”
I am not judging. I understand how some women could feel like this, especially if they were in a physically or mentally abusive relationship. Now they have no one telling them what to do and have a strong urge to be free, go wild.
The second type, more like myself, sits at home cooped up all the time worrying about what her kids are doing or feeling. She has no urge to go out and party and feels the most comfortable at home or at work.
Of course, there probably is also a third more balanced type, I just haven’t witnessed it or maybe these women start out as one of the first two types and gradually make a shift.
I partied so much from the time I was 16 – 20 that I pretty much got it all out of my system. Even though I didn’t have much of a social life when I was married, I don’t feel the need to make up for it now. In fact in the past nine months I have been on the party scene twice.
The first time was actually kind of fun. I had just moved back in with my dad and I had kept the girls the entire first month. The first weekend that the girls went to see their dad I was extremely depressed and anxious, so I took my friends offer to go to a concert type function. I didn’t drink much and that night ended up ok.
The second time I went to a bar with my aunt….bad idea. It sounded fun at the time but I drank way too much (and I am a light weight). The next morning I was so embarrassed by the way I acted and the things I said that I vowed to never step foot back in a bar. And I haven’t.
Becoming Balanced
My best friends are my brothers and my dad. I have a hard letting my guard down around women and that could stem from my mother being the first type of divorced mother which left me feeling betrayed. (Although she is not like that now.) That is one of the reasons I love this blog. I feel connected with a lot of the women who comment here or email me. I think “this is the type of person I want to be friends with.” I just have a hard time replicating this in daily life.
I don’t have the answer to becoming more balanced. My guess would be it takes time and healing. Although I think there are some scars that will never heal.
I know what my issues are, my main one being trust. It’s hard to let someone new in your life. People are imperfect – they judge you, they talk about you behind your back, and betray you. There are great people in this world. I am just going to have to let me guard down long enough to meet them!
What did you do after getting divorced? Are you balanced?
Well, hopefully I never get divorced. But if I did, I would hope that I could lead some sort of balanced life. I have no urge to go out and party. But my wife works with several old divorced “biddies” that never want to go out and DO ANYTHING. I don’t think we want to become like that either. I think you just put your kids first, and beyond that the choice is yours as to what extent you want to go out and have fun. Its your life!
Being on my own with a newborn didn’t leave much time for anything. In those days my deep dark fantasies were about naps or uninterrupted showers. I was too bitter for romance. Also my ex left the country so I never had weekends or evenings to myself. What I did was throw myself into family, friends and without realizing it I was developing hobbies and interests that I never had time to pursue when I was trying to keep my man happy. Then when I finally met a great guy (10 years later) he got the benefit of a woman who knows who she is, has life experience and interests to share. I also believe my daughter is a confident young tween because she had my undivided attention and love during her younger years. I did try “going wild” once or twice, I even went to Las Vegas but I ended up at a piano bar sipping white wine. My party days are definitely behind me.
After 12 years of marriage I called it quits, living with an alcoholic letting family get deeper and deeper in debt wasn’t for me, I have two children now 13 and 7 and I work from home doing in home childcare but your right, I am more comfortable here and really don’t go out and do much for me, I’m always worried about the kids like you do, I guess its been two years since the divorce except going back to court in a few days to see about getting more child support as I only get $50.00 a month for two kids, but after that I think its time to get out, stop worrying so much, kids are find and enjoy myself 🙂
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