There are certain things that don’t really cross your mind when contemplating whether or not to leave an unhappy/unhealthy relationship. (Or at least they didn’t cross my mind.) For me, it took two years of unhapiness, constant bickering, and loss of emotion mixed with some marriage counseling.
When the marriage counseling failed I thought there wasn’t any hope. He was him, always would be, I was me, always will be and neither of us were going to change.
The decision to get divorced was not an easy one. The thought had crossed my mind for the last two years of our relationship but I always told myself things would get better. And sometimes they did, just not for very long.
Divorce wasn’t about just me and him, it was about our two beautiful daughters. Should they live their lives witnessing an unhealthy relationship and then grow up and imulate an unhealthy relationship? Or should we just call it quits now while they are still young?
I never thought I would get divored. (But really, who does?) There are things I miss. I wish my girls had both parents together under one household, but I still stand by my decision that it is better for them to see us happy apart rather than unhappy together.
What I Miss the Most
Every now and then I catch myself thinking what if we tried longer, tried harder, what it would be like? But when I start thinking like this I am remembering all of the good we had and not factoring in the bad.
What I miss the most, isn’t necessarily him, it’s stability. Knowing that I could come home to my house everyday. Follow my routine of playing with the girls, cooking supper, and putting them to bed. Knowing I had someone to sleep with every night. (I hate sleeping alone.)
Moving the girls into my dads house and then into our trailer hasn’t been easy to say the least. Change is hard for me and it’s really hard for a two and four year old. The eight o’clock or earlier bed times have now turned into nine to ten o’clock bed times. Routines won’t stick yet.
Comfort and stability are ripped away when you get divorced, especially if you are the one who has to plant new roots.
An Emptiness
Another factor I didn’t weigh quite enough is how hard it is to divide kid time between the two of us. I knew it would be hard but I didn’t know just how hard it really was until I experienced it.
The girls have an excellent father and are lucky to have him. When they are with him I know they are well cared for, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling empty. My heart breaks that I don’t get to see them everyday.
It will be a year in July since we have split and I can’t adjust. Don’t know that I ever will.
Divorce is essentially starting your life all over. Everything you once knew is gone. It’s not all bad, I am just telling you what has been the hardest for me. There have been positive things as well.
I’ll keep on keepin on and regain my stability at some point. It takes time to heal.
If you have been divorced or ended a long term relationship, how long did it take you to get that feeling of comfort and stability back?
Alexa: you are touching my heart again! You will find your new normal and your new routine. Do you have a calendar for the girls ? My kids do much better when they know exactly when they will be going to the other parents house. They don’t like any change in routine in that area of life.
~ Christie
Christie, your comments always light up my day! So thank you!! My kids know exactly when they are going to see their dad but I think they are still testing me to see what they can get by with. Their dad says they stuck with their old routine at his house but I am the one who has brought them somewhere new so we are still working on it.
I took a divorce parenting class and according to the instructor it can takes kids up to 18 months to adjust to a new routine after parents get divorced. I will keep working at it I just hope I can get a bedtime routine to stick soon.
Alexa, I really can’t speak to this being married and all, but I can only imagine how tough it is. I get little glimpses into single motherhood when the hubby works crazy overtime and comes home to sleep for a few hours before going back to work. Those times are tough on both me and the kids. Wish I could tell you a secret that would fix it, but please know I’m thinking about you and your girls and I hope a comfortable routine,and peace of mind, finds you soon. 🙂
Thanks Mandy, I really appreciate it!
My ex and I split about a year and a half ago with him moving out just about 15 months ago. It has been a challenge for me. I am exhausted after work, and I resent doing everything. My kids routine has remained pretty much the same, although I find myself slipping on weekends…I let them stay up, skip baths, and sleep with me, just cause it feels more relaxed. I’ve also let up on what I get done when they are home. I don’t do any housework, except dishes, laundry and cooking. I leve everything for the other week when they are at their dads. I see friends as often as possible when they are gone, so I don’t feel too lonely. I am still not used to the emptiness of the house though.
Half my problem is feeling exhausted after work. They don’t want to sleep by themselves – at all. It started out with me laying in their room and then sneaking out when they fell asleep. Now they are both sleeping in bed with me.
I need to correct this but when I make them sleep in their room they wake up all night screaming and crying for me. So when I am really tired and just want a full nights sleep they are in bed with me.
I had to make the same decision, I had a beautiful house, a routine and I struggled for years about divorce but I knew in the end it was wrong to bring my kids up in that environment, so I filed for divorce giving up a beautiful house and a secure life, but we were miserable and I knew things would not get better, today I am getting State help only because he is paying 50.00 a month child support for two kids because he is hiding his money, but I wouldn’t trade it to go back, someday I will be on my feet again and not struggle so hard but I am happy and my kids are too, as far as relationships, its been three years and I kept avoiding things until a week ago, I have three wonderful past friends who many years ago (my teenage years) were the guys I was in love with, well all three are back in my life as friends today, we are all single and I though t here they are, what am I waiting for, here is my chance and I’m afraid to take that step, well I finally did go on a date with one of them, and he is still here..LOL. and I’m enjoying it very much. Not sure why I was so afraid, but the first night we went on a date my ex showed up at the same place, what were the chances of that. LOL> now that was very awkward for me, but my date didn’t care and now I can’t wait to see him again :). And he spent the whole weekend playing with my kids, they adore him and so do I
So happy the dating thing is going well. It’s great that he is good with your kids! And who woulda thought you would run into your ex. That would be awkward glad it worked out well though. 🙂 Hope it continues to do so.
There are so many positive aspects of single life. Just keep patting yourself on the back and congratulating yourself for each success you accomplish, and you seem to have many. Everytime I provided something for my daughter on my own I felt like a superhero. Positive thoughts really stick. When the kids are gone kick back and spoil yourself. When my ex left he really left (like the country) so I didn’t get occasional evenings or a weekend to myself and I think it would have been nice. From this side of the fence the grass looks pretty green. I also want to congratulate you on staying positive about your ex. In the long run it’s the best thing you can do for your kids. You already seem on the road to a healthy, happy life just mind the potholes along the way.
Thanks Brookst! I know there are many people who have it far worse than I do. And there are great things about being single as well. I just find myself falling into little spats of depression every here and there. Just missing some old stuff and memories. I am sure that is completely normal though and I’ll just keep moving forward!
Hi Alexa,
If you can go back in time what would you do different?
Also, what was the main lesson you say you have learned about your marriage and divorce?
Thanks for your answer.
Linda
Honestly, now that some time has passed and I have had some time to reflect on things, I honestly would have just tried harder to make it work. The one thing that has killed me is not being with my kids everyday and not having the family life that I crave. I would have went to marriage counseling longer and would have stuck it out a lot longer than what I did.
I think when I first wrote this article I thought that I had made the right choice divorcing while my kids were young. I still think it has a lot less of an emotional impact on them than divorcing while they are preteen or teenagers would have. My exhusband and I are on good terms and communicate very well about our kids.
I think if there is a chance to make it work, then hang on a little longer. If there is no chance or if someone is in an abusive relationship it needs to end, the sooner the better.
We all only have one life to live. Being around the people we love is truly what life is all about. Every situation is different, but for me not being able to be with my kids every day is the hardest thing I have ever went through, and I honestly don’t think it’s something that I will ever get used to.
I can’t remember how I ended up at your site … but I read your divorce stories. Those are difficult and hard events to face – thank-you for sharing and I hope writing can continue to be a catharsis.
My divorce was final in August 2013 and my ex officially moved in with his girlfriend the weekend before the divorce was final. We share custody 50/50 of our two girls, ages 5 and 2, and I HATE not seeing them everyday, don’t think I will ever get used to it. He is an ok dad, part of their lives, but has always put himself first and likes to shuffle the girls away as soon as he gets them for his weekly visits. Divorce is starting your life over and its rough but time does heal. I too miss some aspects of the marriage (stability for the girls, seeing them everyday, the dreams we had as a couple) but am thankful that I have a new man that is 100% respectful, loves me and my girls and treats me how a woman should be treated. Life doesn’t get easier after a divorce, it just becomes different.
Hey Alexa I just stumbled on your blog and read all your posts about the divorce. To be honest it was quite emotional for me the fact that you had to go through all of this. I know it’s quite weird that I’m a guy and reading this!
Anyways I hope I can be a regular reader on your blog, as I just fininshed completing my studies in Uni!
Good Luck and all the best with your future! Really mean it!
Thank you so much!! I really appreciate your comment.