One of my very good friends encouraged me to do an “Ask Alexa” section where you can ask me any type of question you want and I’ll answer in a short blog post.
(I will not publish your name or anything that reveals your identity, so no worries.)
And since I get about an email per week from a single mom I’m going to go back over the questions I get asked the most. I figure if one person asks then plenty other are thinking it.
I’ve gotten my first question and it goes like this……
“When you’re talking money with your ex should the live in boyfriend/girlfriend’s salary be considered? What’s the proper etiquette here?”
First, if you’ve been divorced or have had a child with someone and then parted ways you know that being a single parent isn’t easy. But on top of that you know what makes a bad relationship. You now have an idea of what’s best for your family, and I’m certainly hoping that you aren’t going to make the same mistake twice.
When it comes to dating and relationships my past has taught me what not to do and I can now make smarter decisions when it comes to my love life.
If you have a live in boyfriend or girlfriend your new partner should 1) accept and love you and your kid(s) and 2) if you’re living together you should be helping each other out financially as well.
(Or at least I certainly hope that if you have a new live in boyfriend he’s not taking advantage of you. Job loss is understandable but you SHOULD NOT be supporting a grown man because he doesn’t want to work. He needs to do his part too. And you already have enough to worry about. Stay away from deadbeats!!!! Please.)
So, yes. I think that if you have a live in boyfriend or girlfriend that you have made a big commitment to each other and that person should definitely play a role in your financial life. That doesn’t mean that you have to tell your ex exactly how much your new partner brings home but if you’re asking the ex for money to help pay a bill outside of what he legally owes you, I do think he has every right to ask why your new partner isn’t helping you – especially if said bill is non child related.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this question, we’re all going to have our own opinions.
Help us out. What’s your opinion?
*** I’m not saying that just because you’ve got someone new living with you that you aren’t entitled to child support. If you’re the one taking care of your children then you are DEFINITELY entitled to child support. (Not that it’s always a dependable source of income though. Because it isn’t.) I’m taking this question as money talked about outside of child support.
If you want me to answer a question feel free to email me or just leave a question in the comments. If you wish to remain anonymous just type “anonymous” in the name field and make sure you don’t link to your website if you have one.
This is tricky! I think if someone is committed enough to have their boyfriend/girlfriend move in and live with the kids as well, then they should be expected to contribute something to the household. At the same time, I don’t think the ex has a right to know how much the new bf/gf is making or contributing, nor do they have a right to demand that they contribute something.
I agree. I don’t think the ex has the right to demand the live in bf/gf pay something. I think this only applies if money is asked for and it doesn’t DIRECTLY relate to the cost of the child.
For instance, if someone is asking an ex to help pay his/her rent then I can definitely understand the ex asking why the new live in bf/gf isn’t helping. Under those circumstances I think it’s okay for the ex to ask.
For me, you should lay your cards first when you are planning to date someone. You should tell him/her that you have a child and he/she needs to accept and love them also.
agreed
I have supported my husband’s business for more than an year, until it started working better. He was working and trying his best, he just needed the initial investment/push. Under no circumstance would I support him while he’s just being lazy. We are a team and support each other. When I was in dire straits, he helped me out, when he needed the money, I just provided everything he needed. His business is slowly picking up and he’s been earning pretty well lately.
I can definitely understand supporting your husband while he get’s his business off the ground. That’s you making an investment in your husband and your future together. Which is great!
After being married for nearly 14 years and suddenly & unexpectantly becoming single….I have become more prepared for the relationship I eventually found afterwards. My boyfriend and I do not mix money and spilt everything in half. If one of us needs help with their portion, we help. However without needing to be asked its always eventually repaid. We never argue about money, ever. And I think this is why.
My ex is not happy that I have a live in boyfriend just because he is bitter. He tried to reduce my support payments because of it but our mediator quickly explained why its none of his business if I have a room mate or a live in boyfriend unless it goes to my children’s welfare, which he has never had a concern with.
I agree if your asking for money outside what your legally entitled to from ANYONE then they have a right to ask you why those in your household are not contributing.
I disagree. If I were to move in with a partner, his income would be exactly NONE of my ex-husband’s business. Legally, all that can be counted is my own income, and that’s all that *should* be counted. Whether this imaginary partner makes $20,000 a year or $20,000 a month, it has zero impact on my ex’s responsibility to help with the kids. Even if I found a sugar daddy (gross) and had no expenses to speak of and could piss away my entire salary, it’s still not my ex’s business. His responsibility to contribute financially doesn’t change based on anything but his income and mine. They are OUR children, not my pretend partner’s.
I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. And as far as child support that I agree 100% that’s based on both of your incomes and the ex has a definite (non-negotiable) responsibility to his children.
In my opinion (and I get that we all have different views) would be that if you were to ask for money outside of child support (say, to pay the rent) and you have a man living with you then you ex-husband would have the right to ask – why isn’t he helping you out? I’m not saying to disclose this mans actual income but if you have someone else living with you and your children shouldn’t he play some part in supporting you when times get tough?