Well it’s now time to cross a new bridge in the divorce department. He is dating and has brought another woman around my kids….and of course I get the news from my four year old.
“I have a new friend mommy, her name is Riley.” My daughter sweetly announced as I picked her up from the babysitter’s house yesterday. “That’s good. Where did you meet Riley at?” I ask.
Her response……..”I can’t tell you.”
“Why can’t you tell me?”
She replies “Because daddy said I am not supposed to tell you, he needs to tell you for himself he said.”
I say no more.
Later on in the conversations about what the girls did at daddy’s this weekend I discover that Riley is the daughter of the new girlfriend, but my daughter is pretty adamant on not revealing the girlfriends name in fear of disappointing daddy.
I turn to my phone. I text and ask him if there is something I should know.
His reply is “Do you want me to miserable for the rest of my life?” (Are you serious? **** Did I say anything of this nature?)
Let me disclose that I don’t care if he dates. As far as I am concerned he and I are over, but it absolutely bothers me not knowing who my kids are around.
We text back and forth for a minute. I tell him that I don’t care if he dates and I am not mad at him I just want to know who he is bringing around my kids.
He won’t tell me. I get pissed and turn to Facebook. He BLOCKED me from his page.
I log onto the Facebook Profile I used to use when I “liked” companies so that I could get their coupons. (Comes in handy from time to time.) I view his Facebook page from there and voila easy as pie I know who he is seeing.
Why wouldn’t he just tell me in the first place? I am a pretty easy going person, I can handle it.
I send one last text message. It read exactly like this “I don’t care if you date I just don’t want you bringing women in and out of the girls life. You need to think of the impact it will have on them.”
Sorry for the rant, but I just don’t get why he is acting like this information is top secret. In my eyes if a woman is good enough to bring around your kids then you shouldn’t try to hide it from the kids mom. You also shouldn’t make your four year old feel like she has to lie to mommy. And all along I thought we were doing so well communicating and doing what was right for the girls.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Just want to make sure I am not way off base here but I feel like I should have a right to know who my kids are around. I also feel like he shouldn’t be bringing women around my kids unless he plans on getting serious with the woman. Any input?
I have been EXACTLY where you are. It was 10 years ago. My ex has had numerous women in my boy’s lives, sleeping over, moving in…I hated it but there was little I could do about his choices. I never had anyone I dated around the kids until I knew they were going to be around for a while and even then I didn’t have them in my home or sleepovers. Usually I kept it separate. My boy’s are now 15 & 18. They will comment about their disappointment in their Dad’s choices and are very good to their girlfriends. I would like to think that their ability to choose nice girls and not buy into the drama that is so common in relationships today is because they have seen the difference in a needy person (dad) and a strong person that is comfortable waiting for the right person (momma). Just teach them your ways. Teach them to be strong independent women that don’t NEED a man but want someone that can enhance what they have. Talk about loving yourself and being happy with what and who you are. Talk about how some people aren’t secure and happy with themselves and need that validation from others. Teach them to see it. When they are old enough.
^^^^^i agree 100% with Dayna! I have been through this as well…it is a very helpless feeling. Most of his choices with who he’s dating and and how careless he will be about bringing these women (and her kids if she has them) around your kids will piss you off. The truth is, he is probably getting off on the fact that he has you riled up. It’s good you let him know how you feel about the inappropriate-ness of the revolving door of women and asking the kids to lie to you. But other than than reminding him of that every once in a while, don’t let him see how much he’s annoying you. And yes, in the long run you will be the moral compass the girls need. After seeing the quality and quantity of women that my ex has had around my 2 kids in the last 7 yrs, I have concluded there’s nothing I can do about it. The good news is that yes, now that they are a little older, they are seeing his lifestyle for what it is. And it makes them appreciate the stable household they have with me.
I’m in a little different spot, but similar. My daughter is the one that told me her Daddy was on Zoosk. I had to ask her what it was. I got “A dating site Mommy” back from her. I like you guys don’t care who spends time with him, but what is he going to do around our child. After 14 monthes we are still not divorced and I’ve not had to deal with the sleep overs because he has not taken our daughter for any overnights. In the temporary order, neither of us can spend the night with our daughter with unrelated people…guess he thought that would hem him in too much. I don’t know how I’ll feel if he does start taking her at some point and has a friend; I’m lucky because she is 11 now so much older than your kids, but it is still hard. I’ll continue to take the high road. Hang in there!!!!
My parents divorced when I was 5. My mother was in a relationship before the ink was dry on their divorce and married soon after. My dad however didn’t remarry until I was 11, before my step mother there was only one girlfriend he brought us around. My mother’s second husband was a loser. She divorced him when I was 16. Since then she has continued to date losers. I see her as the example of what not to do. I hope this helps, back up what others have said.
Oh boy…. Rule One is that you NEVER put the child in the middle of a dispute, uncomfortable situation etc. never tell the kids, ” Don’t tell ….” Unfortunately, he did. ( My ex did too.) It is very weird that you lose control of your children. But, you do. It takes a long time to get used to that. You don’t control their diet, their friends, their sleep schedule, homework …… You can only do as good of a job as possible in your own home and never give up custody. Document things like this. You may need it someday in a custody dispute. Parent evaluators, psychiatrists etc frown on this behavior.
Not looking forward to this day at all. Because in my case the woman may be the “other woman” that ended our marriage.
I thank all of you so much for sharing your experiences. This was one aspect of splitting up that I didn’t forsee going this way. I think through all of your comments and people I have spoken to that you are all right. I don’t have control of the situation (which really sucks) and I have no say in who he dates or how he lives his life. I did call him though and had a conversation with him. Told him I didn’t care who he dates and I won’t ask about it that I just want to do whats right for the girls and would appreciate if he wouldn’t try to keep things secretive. The convo went well (for the most part) so this is something I will just have to get used to.
I kind of hesitated posting this but now I am so glad that I did and glad that all of you gave me your input.
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