I’ve been reading up on personal finance for so long that honestly, a lot of the posts I read around the blogosphere (mine included, not hating on anyone) don’t excite me or even get me thinking anymore.
So when I find one of those thought provoking posts I get kind of excited.
A recent post on the popular early retirement blog, Mr. Money Mustache, got under my skin in a few different ways. And I couldn’t help but write a post about it.
But first, let me rewind a bit.
The Background
If you’ve never read Mr. Money Mustache let me bring you up to speed.
Mr. Money Mustache is what I would consider a “super frugality” blog. MMM was an engineer who lived a very low expense lifestyle and was able to retire at a young age (under thirty, I believe.)
Although he has what I would consider a pretty darn good life including a family, a super nice house, nice vehicles, and financial freedom he obviously worked hard to get where he is.
He advises people to practice extreme frugality by riding bikes instead of driving cars, saving money in common sense ways, and avoiding consumerism. And he does the same, only living on about $20k per year. (Super nice house and cars paid off, of course.)
I definitely don’t practice everything he advises because I firmly believe there is no one-size-fits-all financial solution. We’re all different. (And there’s no way in hell I’m riding a bike everywhere.) But overall I think he gives some pretty good advice.
The Post – Gender Roles, Money, & Extreme Frugality
Alright now that I got that out of the way let me tell you what got me fired up.
A reader wrote MMM asking him to stop writing because her husband had become obsessed with frugality to a point where that’s all he thinks about. (If you have time go read the post and skim through the comments.)
She’s a nurse practitioner and her husband is an orthodontist. They live in a super cheap apartment, have paid off their student loans, use a bed she’s had since she’s been eight years old, and their couch is currently a blow up bed. But that’s not the life she wants.
She wants a nice car, a nice house, and doesn’t want to live like she’s poor for the rest of her life. And I can totally relate. I don’t blame her one. little. bit.
But the commenters on the post don’t seem to relate quite as much.
Why the Judgment?
While the author of this email had no idea her email was going to be published she did make a couple of comments that have a lot of people hating on her.
In a gist she grouped the female gender as “soft” and not money minded – that personal finance is more for men and not women. Which as you know, is totally wrong.
It’s not the gender – it’s the person. And that’s fine.
I believe that this woman was just expressing her frustrations and had she known that her email would go public on a huge blog she might have worded things differently.
After all, there’s always things that we want to say but just don’t.
Money Roles and the Living the Life You Want
In all of my relationships I have definitely been the money minded person. I hate spending money.
But I also know couples where the man, for religious reasons, makes all the financial decisions. I know couples who work together as teams and I know plenty of singles – men and women – who fend for themselves.
There’s no right or wrong.
But there’s also a huge problem when couples are on totally different pages. From the woman’s emails I sense that she is frugal minded but it’s gone too far.
She wants a certain life and her husband wants something different and there needs to be a middle ground.
After all, we only live once. We all want something different out of life. If this woman has her stuff together and wants a Tahoe and a Pottery Barn House who cares? Why should we would judge her – we aren’t in her shoes.
(And after all the author of MMM has a super nice house and vehicles.)
When it comes to relationships I think it’s so important to be able to find that middle ground. Because at the end of the day when two people want opposite things out of life one person is always going to feel miserable. (Trust me, I’ve been there.)
In my opinion this woman is not an internet troll. She’s a human being with valid concerns.
If you read the post what do you think? Is this woman being judged too harshly? Is it wrong for her to want to a nice house and nice vehicle when her husband is obsessed with early retirement?
OH, i read that post. I laughed out loud during the part that she says that she is “soft” and that is a good thing.
The problem is that people want to be “right”. I am “right” you are “wrong” . My way is the “right” way. Your way is the “wrong” way. A better question is, ” How can we get along ?” At the end of the day, do you want to be “right” or do you want to get along with your spouse ? This man chose this woman to be his wofe. They are different from each other. Her ideas and wants and needs and dreams are part of what drew him to her but now he is disrespecting all of that.
I find Mr.MM extreme but entertaining. I’m glad that he found a wife. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go out on a date with someone like that. Is he going to show up on his bike ? Bring you dandelions and feed you lentils ??
I am not advocating living above your means. But, in the blog post, this couple both had jobs, no children and were debt free. How long could it take to save up for a Pottery Barn couch ? The wife isn’t whining about how he doesn’t want her to get a Pottery barn credit card and charge up every item for their living room. Maybe some men need to just accept that having a wife is going to cost them money. Men and women should support each others dreams. Her dream is small and easily accomplished. They could save up $1,00 or $2,000 in a few weeks! Men and women will not have identical dreams on every little thing. It’s like some men think they can judge other peoples dreams and determine if the dream is valid enough to support it. That would be a hell of a boring life.
This guy needs to get , ” Happy Wife, Happy Life” tatooed on his forehead.
~ Christie
Thank you so much for that comment Christie!!
I felt like in the comments on the original post that so many people were judging this woman unfairly. I mean is it a bad thing to want a nice house? The thing is, most of the people hating on her probably have far fancier lives than what she’s describing. And I honestly don’t think she intended to group all women into one category I think she’s just really frustrated by her current situation. And most people – whether man or woman – in her shoes would be.
And parts of your comment made me smile. LOL especially the dandelion part. I now have a mental picture of that and seriously cannot stop laughing. I’m glad I’m by myself or people might think I’m crazy right now.
“But I also know couples where the man, for religious reasons, makes all the financial decisions.” This makes me cringe, ugh. Anyway, I totally agree with you- there’s no one size fits all financial solution. A blow up couch makes this guy sound like he belongs on extreme cheapskates!
Personally, I’m too independent to let a man have complete control but I know some people are really happy with that type of lifestyle. Like Christie said it’s easy to think that we are living the “right” way and others are living the “wrong” way.
I think it all comes down to personal preference. If someone is happy letting the man run the finances it doesn’t bother me any. Different strokes for different folks. 😉
But I do believe there has to be a middle ground if someone in the relationship isn’t happy which sounds like it’s desperately needed in this situation.
I think this isn’t a gender issue, it’s a classic case of having different “wants.” I do think many women these days can be the money mavens. I am the money minded person in my relationship and we work hard to get on the same page and we aren’t always there. They need to try to find a balance or it sounds like their marriage might be in trouble. I do think people are judging her harshly — she is expressing what she wants.
I feel terrible for this her. I’m sure that having her email published and her husband finding out is going to go well! I think alot of people were missing her point. Is all about a balance. I’m sure MMM is going to be there for the husband when the wife packs up her stuff and leaves. JK
The point is there is not right way. What is it going to cost to have a nice affordable sofa? Seems like the husband is hoarding money and addicted to it and missing the point his wife is trying to say. She worked just as hard as her husband and is looking for balance. Hope things work out for them.
As a former single mom, noway, would I give complete control of my finances too.
Okay, first of all – they’re using a bed she’s been sleeping in since she was 8?! Unless she’s 18, that is SUPER gross. That’s not frugal, that’s disgusting. That’s like getting your couch from a dumpster. NOT OKAY.
Do you think they’re one of those couples that didn’t talk about money before they got married? I have to admit, when I first started dating my bf, I DID NOT WANT to talk about money at all. Since getting older, and getting a steady job, I’m so glad we’ve waited to get married to actually have these grown-up money conversations. We used to have different opinions on money and, while we’re not always 100% in agreement, we agree more than 90% of the time. And that goes for ‘splurges’… like a new bed.
The bed thing is just seriously grossing me out. Can’t get over that, haha. Thanks for the thought-provoking post!
I read about this Mr. MM’s blog post, about a reader wrote him asking him to stop writing because her husband had become very frugal. I agree for MMM’s reply for his reader, that she should let her husband read the blog post between frugal and cheap.
One of the main things I took away from a Sociology of the Family course in college was that marriage is a business arrangement. That might sound completely unhealthy, but in some ways it’s true! There should be some give and take from both parties. Reading this definitely makes me grateful that my husband and I want the same lifestyle, and are also both willing to put that lifestyle on hold until we get our finances in order. Aside from being head over heels for him, we got our business arrangement taken care of by making sure we agreed on some very important basics.
I read that post, too. I don’t think she was trying to be a troll, and MMM also acknowledges that in an add-on to the post after the first few comments started pouring in. I think what’s lacking is communication between husband and wife. It did sound like she was frugal-minded as well, but her husband was just taking it too far. I read MMM because I like his philosophies, but I don’t 100% live the Mustachian lifestyle because, like you said, personal finance is very personal.
I had read this last week and it’s very intriguing, the way that her wife hated so much Mr.Money Mustache. If I were the wife, I wouldn’t blame MMM, instead I would talk to my husband that frugal and cheap is very different.
I read that post too and I can see the wife’s point of view. I really enjoy MMM and try to have that perspective…in his mind, he is not living a super frugal lifestyle…he says that he enjoys plenty of the finer things in life. Although I sometimes feel like he can be a bit unaccommodating to other’s point of view when they think certain things are too extreme or frugal. As for the wife that e-mailed him, I think she has a point. They can live a frugal lifestyle and hopefully they do, but the husband does seem a bit extreme! I mean they are doctors and have paid off their student loans…a little lifestyle inflation is okay, especially since they have an INFLATABLE SOFA!
Wow! There’s frugal, there’s cheap, and then there’s insanity..lol..The husband seems to have crossed the line somewhere. I used to read MMM, good for laughs, the comments. The husband needs an ultimatum in my opinion, “get frugal, not cheap or l walk” should do it. I like your blog.
Hi Alexa. Thanks for sharing! I am also looking for new blogs to read and that post was entertaining! I think the key to happiness – as well financial freedom – is living below your means and finding a happy middle ground. My book, Outsmarting the System, teaches people how to reach financial freedom by lowering their taxes. It’s written for entrepreneurs such as yourself and many of your readers. I enjoy following your blog and will happily mail you a free copy of the book if you’d like. It’d be an honor if you liked it and posted a review of it! Please let me know if you’re interested, and keep up the great work with your blog!
My partner and I have very different views on money, something that has definitely concerned me as we continue moving forward to a place where we may eventually combine our finances. I think expressing that kind of concern, regardless of which side your on is totally normal.
oops, you’re
Sorry to hear my posts no longer excite you! 🙂 j/k
I think being money minded is person specific. Women have to work against a huge stereotype that the media has created of this absent-minded housewife spending all her husband’s money. But that is just simply not how it really is. I have lots of friends and family members where the woman in the duo is more money mannered than the husband. And of course the opposite is true as well for other couples as well. Again it all just depends on what kind of person you are.
I can identify with the woman in this post. I am actually pretty anti-frugal where if I want something, I’ll figure out how to make the money to get it and go for it. Of course I don’t believe in excess either. But it really bothers me when people go too far with NOT spending money to the point where they drive away social interaction and their loved ones. That’s not living life.
All you have to do to realize how ridiculous the gender stereotypes sound is be homosexual. lol That said, anything written in the comments of a popular website need to taken with a grain of salt. Some of those people are being mean just because they can. The letter writer should get the heck out of that relationship, though, ick.