If you’re thinking of getting divorced, you may wonder: How can I prepare myself?
There is no one-size-fits-all way to prepare for divorce. Many people, who do no preparation at all for their divorce, handle their divorce better than people who do prepare. While preparation may be unnecessary, there are a few characteristics of divorce cases you should be aware of.
First, ask: Do you really need a divorce?
Many religious groups take a very dim view of divorce, and, in my opinion, they’re right. Of all the types of cases I’ve handled as an attorney, divorce cases are the most emotionally taxing of all. I also have observed (and this is only my opinion) that many of the clients I’ve counseled, who have gotten divorced, could have avoided divorce if they really tried to work out their marriage. So, you may be able to repair your marriage too. However, as a lawyer, I don’t give marriage or relationship counseling. But it seems to me that many people who thought their marriage couldn’t be saved, thought wrong.
Have a realistic expectation if what you will get in your divorce
Many divorcing spouses expect that they will go into the courtroom, the judge will see what a horrible person their spouse is, and then the judge will give them full custody of their children, and all of the property. But some people believe that the earth is flat – and flat earth believers are more realistic than many people who have high expectations for their divorce.
Here’s a dose of reality: no matter how bad you think your spouse is, the judge probably won’t think he’s as bad as you think he is. Your views are colored by your anger, and the judge will look at the case impartially, and the judge won’t see your spouse the same way you do. Many states, and many judges, prefer to give each parent as much time with the children as possible. Many states have laws that say property is to be divided “equitably” – and no judge is likely to think that dividing property equitably means giving you all of it. Many of my client swallow hard when they hear this, but unless you can show that your spouse is abusive or violent, the judge will probably give him a substantial amount of time with the children. And, absent unusual circumstances, the judge will probably try to divide the property as equally as possible. In almost every divorce case I’ve has that has gone to trial, neither spouse is happy about what the judge gives them. The judge almost always gives each spouse less than they want – or expect.
Have a realistic expectation of the time frame
Many states have a waiting period, and require that the petition be on file for a certain length of time before the divorce can be finalized. (In Oklahoma, where I practice, a divorce petition must be on file 10 days if the spouses don’t have children, and 90 days if they do have children.)
But many divorces will last far longer than the requisite time frame. A listing of all the divorces filed in January and February 2018 in Washington County, Oklahoma shows that the average divorce with children took 135 days when neither party had a lawyer, and 102 days when at least one spouse had a lawyer. If a divorce had no children, the average divorce took 25 days, whether the spouses had a lawyer or not.
But not all divorces are settled in the average time frame. One divorce filed in February 2018 took 637 days. Four of the divorces filed in January and February 2018 had not even reached final judgment by November 2019. Generally, the more contentious a divorce is, the longer it takes.
Try to settle your divorce out of court
It’s usually best to settle your divorce case out of court. As I mentioned above, in nearly all of my divorce cases where a judge has decided the outcome, both spouses were unhappy with the result. If you settle your case out of court, you and your spouse – not the judge – has control over the end result. You will have to compromise if you settle. But often, even after you compromise in a settlement, you’ll be better off than you would be if a judge decided the case.
One way many divorces get settled is through mediation. You and your spouse – and your attorneys, if you have attorneys – meet with a third party neutral called a mediator. The mediator is not like a judge, in that he cannot order you to do anything. But a mediator can try to guide both of you toward an agreement.
Expect the unexpected
I’ve been counsel in over one hundred divorce cases, and I’ve had very few divorces that turned out the way my client expected. If you get divorced, know that you’re walking into uncertain territory.
Author Bio:
Kyle Persaud founded Persaud Law Office to assist the residents of Bartlesville, OK, and surrounding areas, with a range of legal needs. Mr. Persaud deals with a wide variety of family law issues, including guardianship law. Mr. Persaud received his B.A. from Oklahoma Wesleyan University and his law degree from the University of Tulsa.